It was midweek last March. For the two billion and fifty-third time, I had declared on Monday that I would do better. I would get it together this time. But there I was, still caught in the cycle.
Sometimes I would make it a month or even two. Other times it was just a few hours.
A few months prior, the Lord led me through a journey of repentance. Not that “I snapped at my kids and need to regroup with Jesus” repentance. This was like months of deep diving into the heart to find that it was clogged with loads of filth. The more darkness that was brought to light, the more junk I realized I was harboring. Each time I would realize there was more sin (YES, I mean REALIZE. Did you know that your pride can keep you from seeing your own sin? Well if you’re like me, all things must be learned the hard way), I would allow myself time {read: weeks} to really reflect on the ugliness of the sin in me and work on seeking the Lord in filling those spaces.
Somehow I had managed to claim Jesus for most of my life without truly understanding the need for the work of purification. It’s easy to see those areas of “outward sin” that need to be refined, but when you start dealing with the true matters of the heart, it’s easy to stuff away and pretend everything is fine. In full disclosure, it feels like you’re running full speed forward through a shredder box with a sharp blade.
Walking through that hard, refining journey opened my eyes to the fact that everything I was turning to in a time of stress was an area I had not fully surrendered to Jesus. Satan had a foothold.
I stand 5 feet 1 inch in stature and have a very petite frame. I’m not overweight by any definition of the word. But I had a problem.
There was something that I had not fully surrendered— my health.
In my case, it was not a weight problem. It was not a lack of commitment to the gym problem. It was not a self-image problem. It was not even an eating problem.
It was a self-control problem. And it was manifesting itself in what I was putting into my body and how little self-care I was doing for my body.
“Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.” I Corinthians 6:19
I love how John Piper explains it so simply. He says self-control implies that our ‘self’ produces desires we should not satisfy but instead ‘control.’
I was giving into my selfish desires.
When my kids were cranky, my husband’s illness was progressing, my work was busy or my countertop was so filled with medical bills that there was no more space, you know where you could find me? Running to food for comfort instead of Holy Spirit.
You know where you would NOT find me? Training my body to be equipped for the work the Lord had in front of me.
Our society just fed the lies. And I fell for the words of the enemy. I believed that when anxieties or fears overwhelmed me, I could give in to the desires of my flesh. I could turn to something other than Jesus. The world offers us ample opportunities to abuse our bodies. And most of it is socially acceptable.
Scripture uses “fruit” to help us understand what the Holy Spirit will produce if He’s alive in us. When we are running toward our own actions, goals, and thoughts, the Holy Spirit cannot produce those GOOD fruits in us.
It’s really easy to believe that joy, peace, and patience- and even kindness, goodness, and gentleness are enough to show the Spirit is bearing fruit in us. I quickly realized I was looking to the left and to the right to determine that. Our vision can be so distorted when we are not fixing our eyes on the Perfecter of our faith. What I realized was that without self-control, I could not truly bear those other fruits.
So now I had identified my problem. But I’m a solutions-oriented Enneagram 1 and I needed an action plan. The problem? I told you— my plan had failed a gazillion times before. It was going to require the reinforcements. You know? Those people the Lord places in your path that you KNOW will hold you accountable.
I swallowed ten tons of pride and opened my messages app as I began to explain to a handful of friends that I was REALLY struggling with self-control in the area of my health and needed to be held accountable. I needed them to check in with me- and check in with me often.
And that they did.
It’s been 10 months and some of those friends are still encouraging me in this! Have I tackled this perfectly? Nope. Have I struggled? Yep. Have I made progress? Tons.
Shocking news everyone. When you get control of your health, you feel better. You feel a lot better. And you have the energy to do the work the Lord has laid in front of you. In my case, the work has looked a lot different than I would have chosen. But you know what? Hebrews 13 reminds me that He EQUIPS us for every good work so that we can accomplish what is pleasing in HIS sight.
Here’s what I have come to realize— I could have eaten healthier and stayed committed to the gym WITHOUT dealing with my self-control problem. I may have outwardly felt different, but the brokenness would have remained. If we do not fill the gaps left from removing our sin with the Holy Spirit, they’ll be filled with something else– and odds are- it will not be from above.
Self-control was not easy for me 10 months ago and it is not easy for me today.
Maybe your health is not the stronghold the enemy has over you. Because we live in a broken world, I would dare to guess that you have your own area where you are giving into your own desires rather than leaning into the Spirit for control. As we begin this year, I challenge you to lean into the One who can replace the filth with something more beautiful than you could imagine. Walk the journey of purification in Christ and be blessed by the GOOD FRUIT HE OFFERS.
-Tiffani
***My prayer is that you do not read this with the ears that hear I have all of these things figured out- to be honest, I have very little figured out in life. I continue to work to remove the excess filth that creeps into my heart. I continue to struggle with chasing after my own selfish desires and the things of this world. I have not “arrived” anywhere except in the knowledge that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I pray we can journey together in the Spirit as we walk heavenward bound.
Tiff so glad you are letting God lead you
Thanks Mamaw!